from July 26, 2007 Huế , the Imperial City
Grandma has maybe 14 teeth, a little hunchback probably from sitting lotus-position, crouched over and working for many years on the floor, in the kitchen and as a salesperson. Ba Ngoai, (Ba Why—the respectful way Michelle addresses her grandmother) has this little stubbly growth of gray hair that she uses in her Yoda-like ways.
“Who’s that other boy up there,” Michelle asked from the back of the minivan taking us to the hot springs and spa last Sunday, July 22.
“That’s your grandmother,” I said and we all laughed, begging her to translate to the rest. Michelle ignored their questions to our hysterical laughter and refused to translate.
Ba Ngoai is a sweet little woman but everyone who knows better, fears her, just like every other matriarch the world over. Many days she wears pajamas the whole day. This, in itself, is not that out-of-the-ordinary because many girls and women young and old wear their pjs all day for work, play and…well, I suppose they change for bed??? Pjs are perfect for this climate, nearly 100 degrees, especially during the summer. They are light, cover most of the body and they are cool. Hell, it’s no wonder more people don’t slum around in them.
Ba Ngoai worries an awful lot and can be a major killjoy to say the least. She refused to let Michelle and others eat or take a shower if you were too sweaty. She wouldn’t let her grandkids, The, 15; Thau, 13 or Michelle, 24, leave into the heat of the day between 1-3 p.m. “It’s bad luck,” she’d say. Like sweating too much before other activities, or biking everyday to the Pagoda or walking too late (7 p.m.) at night to watch the palace lights come on and play badminton or fly a kite. For Ba Ngoai and millions like her luck and lucky numbers are a way of life.
“Today’s a lucky day,” “Determination” Dinh, from Saigon, told me a few weeks earlier. “There are many weddings today because it’s a lucky day (7/7/07). That’s where my wife is right now.”
And no one lives by the luck more than Ba Ngoai. “She cut off all her hair as a tribute to Buddha and her great luck,” Michelle said.
Yet I can’t understand how it’s unlucky for her granddaughter, The, to go walking with us, including three younger boys and three adults, to the Imperial Palace (http://www.orientalarchitecture.com/hue/imperialcityindex.htm) to cool off early one night. Michelle had to beg her grandmother to let The who, like Thau, studies with tutors for about two hours everyday to stay on top of math and English. But unlike Thau, The is forever being called away from playing Thing Lin, a favorite card game, or relaxing to run to the market, cook or clean around the house. She is pretty much house bound. But not by choice.
Like the many Dharmas or doctrines that our Buddhist Monk students adhere to, there are similar ones as to how girls and boys are treated differently. And, again, I wonder if I should simply observe and accept as the ways of these beautiful people, or should I question as I have the ways of these young novice monks? One of them, Tuan, actually gave Michelle The Buddhist Catechist, by Henry Steel Olcott, which we’ve been reading and it explains, in interview format, many of the questions we’ve had (these are answered in article “When Buddhas Smile” further down).
Sexism is nothing new, but I still feel that men and women should be sharing power positions, inside and outside the home because even if only a smaller percentage of young girls and women dream or question possibilities of a different life, then perhaps they should have the options others, elsewhere, have been taking for granted for centuries. Why does The, an extremely intelligent and inquisitive young girl, work to get a better education if she isn’t allowed to put all that to use? Is her knowledge to be wasted and dreams frustrated as she marries a man, perhaps her lesser, who’ll hold her to subservient standards? Granted there are plenty of men who are secure with themselves and encourage their girlfriends, wives, daughters, but ancient traditions run deep.
I know just by our coming may cause some changes. It’s evident the thirst for more is there as The, other girls and women, seeing how their cousin, Michelle, and Bri are could produce some conflicting desires. The was amazed, “You’ve been all these places?” she said looking at the pictures in Michelle’s camera. “Tell me about them.” And one afternoon, while Linh was finishing up his math work we’d given him, Michelle began telling The, Thau and Thuc a story. They were mesmerized. I hope all of them can strive toward dreams inspired by Michelle and encouraged by all of us, because even though she is in America, she still feels the pressure to live the Vietnamese ways.
“I was telling them the plot of The Mermaid Chair,” Michelle said, “Everything but the part about the affair with the monk.”
The’s future, and that of millions like her may be all a lottery. Still all the women in their immediate families are all strong go-getters. Paradoxically, Ba Ngoai can often seem to be the staunchest oppressor, guiding her granddaughters in strict traditional manners that she, herself, rose above.
Twenty minutes into the drive through these miles of country toward the hot springs and spa where we were going to cleanse and relax for it was Sunday, the day of rest.
“That, up there is where my Aunt Nga’s store is,” Michelle pointed to a dirt road that went up into low-lying trees and disappeared. “It takes her an hour to get there each way.”
This store has been in her family for years and with so reliable familiar customers she hasn’t wanted to close it to stay closer to home and work with her husband’s homefront store. The two go out every morning and work that store while customers come to Ba Ngoai’s house all day buying ice, rice, and everything in between.
They are hard workers all of them and I can see why Grandma cut all her hair off, for all the great luck they’d been having…… That was until we went to the pools on Sunday. Everything was going well, sitting in the therapeutic waters for awhile before playing basketball in the cool pools or riding the slides with all the kids. Thau (Teo) climbed out of the waters walking to the cool pools and I’d noticed several red whelps on his chest and back. I remember Michelle had pointed out strange little buggies in those hot pools and no doubt mosquitoes, too, but it was odd that only he had bites, and lots of them!
A little later on, The (Thay) was pushing Thau back up the slide in the cool pools, he slid down taking her out at her feet. The did an instant faceplant and chipped her front tooth. She was a trooper, however, not even registering any pain, which was amazing since it was a clear cut through the bottom part of her tooth. Thau, on the other hand was rubbing his head, where I’d thought she had hit her mouth when she fell, but consulting the tape, (I was filming), we saw her elbow hit his head about the same time she made her application for Funniest Home Videos. Surprisingly she returned to the waters and had great time.
Later that night I returned from the hotel and noticed Thau was on the verge of tears. “Thau’s crying,” I told Michelle. She shot up running toward the stairs. “I don’t know if he’s in trouble or what, but he’s crying about something.”
As luck would have it, he had Malaria. They wouldn’t find out till the next night when they brought him to the hospital. Everyone, including me, thought Ba Ngoai was over-reacting, but his mild case was treated, though he stayed two more days. When we visited him on Wed. July 25, he was quietly reading one of the books we bought him. His father stayed the night as this hospital was barely decorated yet full and scary, to say the least. “It doesn’t smell like a hospital,” Bri said. “I don’t like that.” All agreed. Thau is still on medication and probably will be for a while and The’s tooth is hopefully fix by now. With any luck, her smile will be even better than before.
Before visiting Great Uncle’s gravesites, Michelle meets one of her second cousins at her Great Aunt’s place, about 25 minute motorbike ride into the countryside – Aug 1, 2007
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